just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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