Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
