If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
