you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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