her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Operation Purity has been aborted
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
