Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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