Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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