If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
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He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
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I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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