I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
