I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
