i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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