My room smells like vodka and shame
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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