I haven't been this sober since birth.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
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The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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