I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
