What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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