He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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