ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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