And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
