Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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