Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
