last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
