I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
