Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
