I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
