What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
