So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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