I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
