dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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