Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
This baby is an asshole
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
