I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
