he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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