I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We left the knife in your bed.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
