My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
