Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
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Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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