I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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