Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
