Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
