they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Im part way to drunk.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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