I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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