I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
