Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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