I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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