I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
