if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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