I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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