I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
