when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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