I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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