i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
