sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
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