my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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