Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
