ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
