Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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