dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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