eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this just has baby written all over it
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
