u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
