you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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