i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
