you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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