he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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