I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
