Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
